We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy year 2019. Thanks for “reading” us.
Kallino
During my third stay in the psychosomatic clinic I had the sudden insight, that I needed to change something about my life „at home“. I couldn’t just go on living as “isolated” like I had done in the past. Also I couldn’t keep “coming back” to the clinic for it would one day mean that I was “out of work”. My problem was, that for years I had “survived” from “holiday” to “holiday”, to spend it at the sea. Meanwhile I worked, slept a lot because of my being overstimulated, and prepared everything up to the last minute in order to “function” well before and right after my stay at the sea. Like that I didn’t seem to “live” or rather “enjoy life” in the time in between. Now and against all odds I decided to get myself an antiallergic puppy. His name was Kallino. The moment he set his paw into my life it changed completely: I suddenly had a companion who made my days more joyful. I wanted to train him into an “assistance dog” against my depressions and dissociations. Being a baby dog he needed my protection and care. This task and my love for him gave me the power to make my days at home and at work. Even though I was tired at the end of the day, I got to know more neighbours on our daily walks. Also I invited my friends over or even went to their houses for I could take Kallino with me. When I wasn’t in a good mood and he still needed to go outside, I just went outside with him for a long walk. My attention was on him and so I didn’t feel so overwhelmed when there were many families and loud music around us. Returning home after our walk I always felt more balanced and tired but in a good way. And when I heard Kallino snorr beside my bed I knew that everything had been worthwhile. This is a part of my (changed) life I wanted to share with you dear readers.
Dear Readers,
I have overcome my Burnout. It is my daily struggle to take enough breaks to maintain my Health. Also I have learned to say “no” in certain circumstances even though this may often be the beginning of an argument. My Dream, to publish A book About my inner journey and how I escaped from the “prison” of negative thoughts about myself” has come true today. I wish you that you may also cling to your dreams so that they in turn can become true one day.
Renate Weber
The story of “Renate or the journey to the centre of the self“
I wanted to tell you, that my autobiographical novel can now also be ordered (only German version so far) at amazon.
https://www.amazon.de/dp/3838212703/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_BeY1BbWYJGTD3
At the same time I wanted to tell you the story of how I came to write this book. 7 years ago my life seemed to be shattered to piece: I had had a miscarriage, my partner abandoned me and I had an illness the doctors didn’t know how to deal with. In the midst of all this turmoil I wanted to understand how everything could have happened to me and why some awkward situations seemed to repeat itself over and over again. I attracted similar people and there was a constant feeling of guilt and shame. Family reunions made me feel exhausted afterwards as if I had run a marathon instead. I wanted to understand why it kept being that way and started writing. I started writing how I felt in these situations and what was said beforehand. I recognized that it were always similar sentences that kept me feeling depressed afterwards. After a while I realized that I felt like this when my perception was seen as “wrong” by those around me. Also I sensed that I had long ago ceased to trust my own perception-as it was constantly “invalidated” by my original family. Not trusting my own feelings I felt insecure and thereby often attracted people who took advantage of my being insecure (mobbing situations). I often asked myself what I was doing “wrong”. Until the day where I couldn’t withstand my inner conflicts and the pressure coming from outside. It took several stays in the psychosomatic clinic until I could accept my own perception as “valid” even if it didn’t please others when I talked about how I felt. I also faced my feelings of guilt and shame as the result of several trauma (sexual abuse, being abandoned in Spain, having witnessed September 11th 2001). Also I learned that my withdrawing from “the world” was not primarily a result of the trauma but a sign that I was highly sensitive and needed a break from overstimulation. I tried not to look down on myself for not being as socially active as other people after work. The book I was still writing about my life became more and more like a loyal companion to me. It was like a therapy for my belief in my own perception: While other people had often turned me down for what I felt and saw in others my “friend” the computer took my feelings and copied them down without any resistance. My therapists gave me the advice to integrate a healing fairy tale into my autobiography (the continuation of Fulna). This new “world” I was creating gave me the inner strength to face the conflicts in life. It also gave me a new sense of purpose: For here my perception as well as my creativity could be useful and even have healing qualities. And I sensed that this book I was writing could also encourage others following their own and yet often difficult paths. This is my story and I wanted to share it with you.
After 7 years of constant work on my autobiographic healing novel I am proud to say that it will appear on October 26th. The first Version of “Renate or the journey to the Center of the Self” will appear in German (“Die Wiedergeborene oder die Reise zum Mittelpunkt des Selbst”) and can be ordered at Amazon.de. It is my aim to translate it into English once it gets more well-known.
Dogschool?
When I went to dogschool with Kalle I felt as if we 8 humans had to learn more about „dog language“ and „consequence“ and also the animal’s different “perspective” on the world. When one owner shouted at his puppy to stay sit, I wondered if how we patient we are with our dogs is also mirroring how patient we are with ourselves. How do we deal mistakes? Life is full of them. Can we embrace them or at least forgive ourselves for making them or do we treat ourselves harshly with the “whip of inner criticism”. I believe that most of us (including me) treat ourselves very harshly. Once my therapist said: “You should treat yourself like your best friend. That way you are not fighting wars with yourself and you will never be completely lonely.” Now back to that “dog school lesson” and the puppy owner shouting at his dog. When the dog coach noticed the shouting he asked: “Do you want to teach your dog to obey or disobey?”
“I want him to obey, because he already knows the command “sit”.”, answered the man.
“Yes, but he is also still a puppy and puppies have an attention span of 3 seconds. So if you shout at him now, he doesn’t know what to do. And even if you repeat “sit” to him, he still can’t obey a command for a longer period of time.”
I looked at the man, his lively puppy and his 8 year-old daughter, standing next to him. The man didn’t say anything but you could see that he was still angry. His daughter however, did seem to me like a “miniature adult”. I wondered if it was her dress or her shores but it was neither: It was simply because her facial expression seemed blank to me. And it was at that moment that I understood that she, too, must have been put under the same “over-achievement” pressure the puppy was going to get. I felt sorry for both and went on asking myself, if this puppy owner had become like that because he had only received acknowledgement from his parents in exchange for excellence. Were we all here at dog school, to “train our dogs” or was it maybe also that “dog school” was more for the owners to learn how to educate someone in a consequent but also non-violent way?
Those were my thoughts at the time. When only the next day I took Kalle for his evening walk and I saw a white shepherd dog running towards us. Behind it ran a family father with his wife and 10 year old daughter. The dog hid behind me, the father gripped my arm to get hold of the escaping dog. He gave him the command to lie down, but it didn’t and he hit it. “We have problems with our dog. We didn’t go to dog school when he was a puppy. Now he is 2 years old and doesn’t listen. We can only take him for a walk where there are not many people and we don’t know what to do.
I looked at the girl and I felt sorry for her because it was obvious that she tried to “solve” the problem. I remembered the words of my therapist: “If you don’t educate the puppy right away you can’t deal with the dog when he gets bigger and weighs 80 pounds. And then it will be the next sad story of a dog who is put into an animal shelter because his owner can’t cope with him anymore.”
I looked at the family and told them about the dog school I went to and recommended them to have one-to-one training lessons with the coach and their dog. They nodded but I had the feeling, they wouldn’t follow my advice. It made me sad to see that my therapist had been right: There were many puppies who obviously were allowed everything because they had “such cute eyes” but when they turned into adult dogs what was once “cute” became dangerous and people decided to get rid of that “disobedient” dog. My dog trainer once said, that there are no “aggressive” dogs by nature. In most cases it is us humans who turn the dogs into aggressive or disobedient dogs. That’s why I believe that dog schools are important for us and the relationship with our dogs. Those are the thoughts I wanted to share with you, dear readers.
Renate Weber
Free dog
Why do I have a dog? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I don’t feel so alone anymore. Since I have got my dog, I have the feeling that this puppy leads me from self-isolation “back into the world”. When he wonders about a flower or how to catch a butterfly I feel as if I am discovering the world for a second time. I lost a child, and even though no being can be replaced by another being I am grateful that I have allowed this dog to come into my life. It also gives me a new focus: Where the “old Renate” was afraid of crowds and depressed by seeing “happy families” spending time in nature the “new dog mother” is looking for her “offspring”: That he doesn’t chew up something dangerous, that he is not afraid of bikes, lawn-mowers or joggers. The more time I spend with him, the more we bond. And the more I feel this “anchor” in my small world the less I am frustrated if friends cease to be friends. As puppies don’t have a sense of “time” I am about to stay in the present which is the only time where I can find healing. I am still sad about the turmoils of the past and worried that worse is to come in the future. But I spend less time in those two “unreachable” times. I don’t say that a dog is the solution for everyone suffering from trauma and depression. I only say that it has been my solution for thinking less destructive thoughts and turning all the suppressed anger of my life against myself. My dog “forces” me to get up at 6 o’clock to go for a walk, take a swim in the river. The first half an hour I am still grumpy thinking of my warm bed. When I have done my swimming and see my dog with joy running around the “beach” I feel blessed with life. My day can start now and I know that 6 hours later I will be “out with my dog” again. There is still time for a quiet hour at home, but it is more fruitful than the long hours I spent in bed “hiding from the facts of the world” for years. I can feel more energy in my veins and it is as if the loyal affection of this dog helps healing old wounds and keeps me from comparing myself to others. These are the thoughts I wanted to share with you, dear reader.
Renate Weber
Energy
Where does all my energy go? I wonder. Sometimes I am already exhausted if I go downtown and crowds of people are “in my way”. If I go for a walk on a Sunday I get irritated if too many people cross my path. I get irritated when their kids scream, their dogs bark and when I can hear youngsters playing music on their mobile phones. The same applies to the narrow aisles on the airplane when I have to wait in front of the “bathroom”. It also happens during conferences or big public events. I have often asked myself “why?”. Finally all these people don’t do any harm to me. They are just there. And then I wonder what is happening inside of me, if I concentrate so much on the people around me. It seems to me as if I would “leave” my body and cohabit their bodies. I get lost and kind of “dissolve” if I stay in big crowds for too long. And the only person who could prevent this process is me! There is a physical law that energy always follows your focus. I “sense” other people being there long before I have seen them, even if they are alone and don’t make any noise or smoke. This phenomenon reminds me of a serpent that can see the ultraviolet radiation of the prey. But I don’t want to live my life losing my energy in others and having nearly no energy left for my own private life. And then it came to me: In my childhood I had always my best friend “around”: We went to school together and after school we met to “explore” the world. In both situations –especially at school- I felt safe being with her. If other kids or teachers were mean to me I could talk to my best friend about it. The others were still “there” but I didn’t feel helpless when I was confronted with their moods and their energy. That gave me the idea to create an imaginary helper for myself –now as an adult. His name is El Sabio (The one who knows) and he also appears in my novel “Renate or the journey to the centre of the Self”. He can also sense the energy of others but he is able to control them with his magic, a remote control and a magic cloak of protection. Knowing that –like all my fairy tale characters-he is an inner part of me. He can give me a feeling of being protected so that I am not constantly “on a run”. That way I could stay with my focus on myself. And maybe I find that big crowds are less “threatening” and “energy consuming” like I did when I was a little girl with her best friend. These were the thoughts, I wanted to share with you, dear reader.
Renate Weber
Sometimes I wonder how often in my adult life I have ever lived in the present: the here and now. As I am constantly scrutinizing if I have done everything correctly I spend half of my awake time in the past. The other half-so it seems to me is to ponder about the future: The time that is not yet there. I constantly feel that I don’t have enough time to do the things dear to me. On the other hand I spend nearly all of my time the two worlds that lead away from life: the past and the future. In future land everything is possible and yet there is my anxiety that my life will change, friends will change and people dear to me will die. I also, will eventually die one day. And even though our advertising world advertises the young and fears the symptoms of old age I know for my part how miserable I often felt in my teens and twens. Young age didn’t help me to become happy also because I didn’t know myself and I didn’t know what was important for me in life. When people criticized me I often thought they were right. Until the point where I thought, this may as well be their personal problem for I have worked on my problems and know them well enough by now :). It makes me sad to think, that only in times of a health crisis I knew what was important and what I had to do. As if I could only live the present when death and horror knock on my door. Maybe that is also the only time when I appreciate what I might lose. Maybe it is like with friends that move away: You feel the intensity of the relationship only when the other one is no longer available. On the other days-sadly-I took the good things of my life for granted and rattled on about everything else. That way I could not really enjoy the moment. But the moment is the only time where I can live life fully. Everything else separates me from it: When my friends tell me something and I already think about the chores I have to do next. When I have accomplished something I dreamt of and I just think about which steps to take in my future projects. So maybe it is time to make a vow: That at least once a day I try to feel the moment-even if that means that I might feel sad, empty or lonely.
These are the thoughts I wanted to share with you, dear reader.
Renate Weber
Where is home?
When I was a child I thought that my home would always be where I lived with my parents and my brother. As a teenager I wanted to “see the world” and find a place where people where as different as I felt I was. Several times I thought that I had actually found that place living with house occupants and listening to hippies in front of a cave under the sky of the Canary Islands. At first I thought that this would be me in my new “home” living in absolute freedom. I always looked for “home” outside-in the world. But it was neither with the “outlaws” and hippies nor in the students’ residential home where people came and went. When I finally started to work and rented a flat, I soon found out that this wasn’t a true home either. It felt lonely and empty and I was missing the chats with my roommates from the residential home. It was also more quiet which was good during noisy workdays at school but felt depressing at the weekends. The more friends I made in my new environment the better it felt to be alone in my new flat but I never felt that this was “my true home”. I couldn’t explain why even when I moved to a different city. I thought that if had all my possessions around me and would make new friends than maybe this would become my true home. But this was not the case. When-after 10 years of teaching-I was exhausted and diagnosed with “burnout and depression” my doctors encouraged me to go into a psychosomatic clinic. I was reluctant to go and leave everything behind I had grown used to: my flat, my friends, the sports clubs I went to and the nature I loved so much. But I couldn’t really enjoy any of these things because I spent my days in my bed, sleeping and following the vicious circle of my thoughts. I caught an infection every other week and it seemed to me as if my whole body screamed “No” to everything that was going on in the world. At that time I considered my body to be something functioning independently from my mind. I increased the number of vitamins I took to “get better” but it didn’t help. When I searched the internet for different clinics I found one which had the slogan: “We will give you a home for a limited period of time”. I-who had searched her whole life for a home-was attracted to that slogan. At the same time I couldn’t imagine how a mere “hospital” could make people feel at home. My first impression when I “entered” this clinic was that there were many people hugging as if they had known one another their whole lives. I felt like an intruder. The only thing I wanted was to get well as quickly as possible and to return to “my world” whether I considered it to be home or not. When I met the therapists one of them said: “You can’t be free and feel at home if you haven’t enjoyed the comfort of a loving family.” I found that absurd, because I considered to be free is to be able to go where you wanted to go and to travel the world. Therapy went on and after many weeks it was me who was hugging other people as if we had known one another for a lifetime. The clinic had made true its promise: It had offered me a “home”. One year later when I came to the summer festival nearly no one recognised me. The other patients that had given me a feeling of “home” and many of my therapists had “left” the clinic. It was then that I understood that this unique feeling of home can be connected to being with people that also see your “shadow sides”. Like in my students’ residential home these people appear and “disappear” as if they had never even existed. Finally I found that home, my home, is neither the flat I live in, nor my possessions nor the friends I have at the moment. My true home is my body. I take it everywhere and it knows everything I have experienced so far in its cells. I even found out that there “exists” something like a first Chakra which contains the energy of feeling “at home” in the world and being among other people. In my case it has been blocked my entire life: I have always felt somehow “left out” in a group, as if I was just standing next to it without being a part of it. In Yogi “theory” the first Chakra is based on the end of our spines. If I try to concentrate and “open” it, it has the effect that I feel more connected to people-even if some of their mannerism displease me. I can see them more as a mirror of my “sunshine sides” and my “shadow sides”. So, my answer to the question “where is home” is: it is in myself. Mind and body are interdependent, if one is “out of balance” the other one gets out of balance too. And yes, I believe it is possible to be “free” even if you have been traumatized in your original family. There is a sacred place in yourself that you can clear of all the things that prevent you from becoming who you really are.
Renate Weber