Energy

Where does all my energy go? I wonder. Sometimes I am already exhausted if I go downtown and crowds of people are “in my way”. If I go for a walk on a Sunday I get irritated if too many people cross my path. I get irritated when their kids scream, their dogs bark and when I can hear youngsters playing music on their mobile phones. The same applies to the narrow aisles on the airplane when I have to wait in front of the “bathroom”. It also happens during conferences or big public events. I have often asked myself “why?”. Finally all these people don’t do any harm to me. They are just there. And then I wonder what is happening inside of me, if I concentrate so much on the people around me. It seems to me as if I would “leave” my body and cohabit their bodies. I get lost and kind of “dissolve” if I stay in big crowds for too long. And the only person who could prevent this process is me! There is a physical law that energy always follows your focus. I “sense” other people being there long before I have seen them, even if they are alone and don’t make any noise or smoke. This phenomenon reminds me of a serpent that can see the ultraviolet radiation of the prey. But I don’t want to live my life losing my energy in others and having nearly no energy left for my own private life. And then it came to me: In my childhood I had always my best friend “around”: We went to school together and after school we met to “explore” the world. In both situations –especially at school- I felt safe being with her. If other kids or teachers were mean to me I could talk to my best friend about it. The others were still “there” but I didn’t feel helpless when I was confronted with their moods and their energy. That gave me the idea to create an imaginary helper for myself –now as an adult. His name is El Sabio (The one who knows) and he also appears in my novel “Renate or the journey to the centre of the Self”. He can also sense the energy of others but he is able to control them with his magic, a remote control and a magic cloak of protection. Knowing that  –like all my fairy tale characters-he is an inner part of me. He can give me a feeling of being protected so that I am not constantly “on a run”. That way I could stay with my focus on myself. And maybe I find that big crowds are less “threatening” and “energy consuming” like I did when I was a little girl with her best friend. These were the thoughts, I wanted to share with you, dear reader.

Renate Weber