The story of “Renate or the journey to the centre of the self“
I wanted to tell you, that my autobiographical novel can now also be ordered (only German version so far) at amazon.
At the same time I wanted to tell you the story of how I came to write this book. 7 years ago my life seemed to be shattered to piece: I had had a miscarriage, my partner abandoned me and I had an illness the doctors didn’t know how to deal with. In the midst of all this turmoil I wanted to understand how everything could have happened to me and why some awkward situations seemed to repeat itself over and over again. I attracted similar people and there was a constant feeling of guilt and shame. Family reunions made me feel exhausted afterwards as if I had run a marathon instead. I wanted to understand why it kept being that way and started writing. I started writing how I felt in these situations and what was said beforehand. I recognized that it were always similar sentences that kept me feeling depressed afterwards. After a while I realized that I felt like this when my perception was seen as “wrong” by those around me. Also I sensed that I had long ago ceased to trust my own perception-as it was constantly “invalidated” by my original family. Not trusting my own feelings I felt insecure and thereby often attracted people who took advantage of my being insecure (mobbing situations). I often asked myself what I was doing “wrong”. Until the day where I couldn’t withstand my inner conflicts and the pressure coming from outside. It took several stays in the psychosomatic clinic until I could accept my own perception as “valid” even if it didn’t please others when I talked about how I felt. I also faced my feelings of guilt and shame as the result of several trauma (sexual abuse, being abandoned in Spain, having witnessed September 11th 2001). Also I learned that my withdrawing from “the world” was not primarily a result of the trauma but a sign that I was highly sensitive and needed a break from overstimulation. I tried not to look down on myself for not being as socially active as other people after work. The book I was still writing about my life became more and more like a loyal companion to me. It was like a therapy for my belief in my own perception: While other people had often turned me down for what I felt and saw in others my “friend” the computer took my feelings and copied them down without any resistance. My therapists gave me the advice to integrate a healing fairy tale into my autobiography (the continuation of Fulna). This new “world” I was creating gave me the inner strength to face the conflicts in life. It also gave me a new sense of purpose: For here my perception as well as my creativity could be useful and even have healing qualities. And I sensed that this book I was writing could also encourage others following their own and yet often difficult paths. This is my story and I wanted to share it with you.