Werewolf?

I am a werewolf. At least I feel that way. I sometimes feel as if I had three eyes instead of the normal two. Every detaile is scanned, from the old chewing gum on the pavement to the Expression on people’s faces. While I am walking around I think about yesterday and I plan for the day after tomorrow. It seems that I get lost between my thoughts and the surroundings I observe. If I walk through the crowd I can’t feel myself anymore: I am like a vessel that is filled with the emotions I sense around myself. It is as if I could really “turn into” the other person in front of me. If I am on a burial I feel not only my grief but the collective grief that freezes my soul. If I am around happy people I become more relaxed myself. And then there is the point where I feel my vessel is overflowing with outside influences or stimuli. I become aggressive because I can neither stop these influences nor ignore them-like most people simply do. It is during these moments that I feel my being different than the majority. Just like the werewolf. And like a wounded animal I retreat back to my “cave”. And everything I have just experiences echoes through my body. When I close my eyes it is as if everything is “played back” at me on a gigantic screen. And very often sleep comes and takes me with it. Like the werewolf I turn from human into a beast that fears the bright daylight. I remain in my hiding place until at some unexpected moment I feel that I am empty enough to return into the world of humans. But during my “dreams” I live in two worlds at the same time: The world of humans where I do my daily chores and the world of wolves where I transform and process information. It is only that way that I can stand “going into the noisy world” everyday again. The phenomenon I suffer from is called highsensitivity. I don’t know the reason why this phenomenon exists. Why are 20% of humankind born with a “skin way too thin”? In a world that gets more noisy day by day wouldn’t it be more beneficial for survival if everybody had a “thick skin”? The only thing I do know is that my inner “world of wolves” is lively and of bright colors. It is like an ocean I can dive in while people around me go to parties or events. Also it can be quite a lonely place for there are no (other) people who are like me. And maybe that is the reason why I often feel closer to animals than to humans. What I am lacking is a “second skin”. A cloak that protects me when I am “out in the world” from all the unnecessary information I absorb like a vacuum cleaner. It is my aim to “be at home” in my body even when I am among lots of people. Therefore I have to find the “stop” button that keeps me from absorbing everything and everyone. That is why I need that cloak so urgently. Because even a werewolf can be hurt at times. The wolf has a plastic snow globe in his paws. This is to remind me that after difficult times there are also good times to come. These are the thoughts I wanted to share with you, dear reader.

What influence does highsensitivity (HSP) have on my everyday life?

For me it means to be totally dependent on all outer stimuli. It is the feeling to be born “without a skin” that protects me from everything that is going on “outside”. Noises, Smells, conversations and bright colors seem to penetrate me constantly. Even when they are finally “gone” they echo in my memory like a song you can’t get out of your head. Sometimes I have the feeling that I have “left” my body only to absorb everything that is around me.  WHAT I WANT TO LEARN is to „return“ into  my body instead of constantly scanning people around me. I then have the impression that I know how the other one is feeling but I lose track of how I am feeling myself. It is as if I were a reporter and would be recording everything in order to repeat it on the daily news. But what do I do with all these noises and information that nobody needs? They drain my mind and my body. I get tired and irritated. Finally I have “to step back” and return into my flat where walls and dimmed light protect me from the liveliness of the world outside.

This “retreat” seems to be necessary and at the same time it gives me the feeling not to be able to partake in everything life has to offer. Also my body seems to try to “keep me inside my flat”, when it comes to meeting my friends after a long workday. When I give in to this voice of my body I feel lonely afterwards-imagining what fun I missed by not getting out of my bed and driving to my friends’ house.

But now I was told, that it is possible to “shift” my focus and stay “inside of my body” instead of “floating around”. It begins with trying to feel my feet whilst talking to another person. Or-feeling the wheel of my car while driving it numbly to school. When I am in a meeting I try to feel the surface of my chair-estimating how many percent of my attention is actually wandering “around”. If I am talking in front of a group I can touch my thymus gland on my chest. By all these actions I can try to relocate my attention to myself. It is like a meditation: The more often I do it the easier it gets to “stay focused inside” while the world is still going on noisily. I hope that by this training I protect myself against “dissolving” into the world.

Hereby I need an anchor that keeps me in my own space. Most of us “gained” that anchored when their parents held them as little babies and toddlers. In many indigenous cultures mothers carry their babies on their back. The child thereby experiences that –despite of everything that is going on around-it is safe leaning against its mother. Its anchor is the contact to its mother’s skin and the echo of its mother’s regular pulse. There is a hormone called Oxytocin that is produced in mother and child to strengthen their bonding. The better this bonding “succeeds” the safer feels the child when it becomes an adult. It is essential for the relationship with himself and with others. If the child experiences trauma-its perception will-as it is the case with HSP-be turned constantly “outwards”. It is constantly alert in order to protect itself against further damage. Here it is difficult to say what came first: The trauma or the HSP. Both have a loss of the “felt bodily sense” in common.

But the body is essential to find „inner peace“ and relaxation. In our digital society we have stopped listening to our bodies. As a consequence we “live” only in our mind: We plan the future, try to run as many errands as possible and thereby we don’t notice how our body is dealing with all of this. This may-after many years-result in a Burnout/depression. Scientists found out that people who have practised MBSR (Mindfulness-Based-Stress-Reduction doing meditation/yoga/exercise and eating healthy food) over a period of time have a better immune systeme, their blood pressure goes down and the results of their blood analysis are better than before. Even in their work and every-day-life they can “achieve” more because they are more focused. This is the results of the constant “breaks” these people have allowed themselves to take. Only 20 daily minutes of meditation/exercise or simply “slowing” down can make a difference.

Now you may ask: What does that have to do with HSP?

Well, you can’t really „eliminate“ HSP by taking medicine. It is not an illness but seen as „gift“ you inherited just like a trait of character. For me sometimes this „gift“ feels like a curse, that keeps me from living life fully. It seems to me as if the times when I can feel a deep joy by perceiving everything so thoroughly are followed by a sudden “crash” of overstimulation. I get irritated feeling a deep aversion against everybody and everything noisy. Then I seek “refuge” in my flat, sleeping profoundly and waiting until the echoes oft he day cease to float my brain and body. As there is no drug to prevent me from perceiving everything so painfully thoroughly I can only try to train my mind: Talking to someone I can-from time to time- avert my eyes and look somewhere else instead of “scanning” his face & feelings. This training of consciousness (How strongly can I feel myself? How many percent of my attention is turned to my surroundings?) together with meditation and exercise could strengthen my “shield” against the world. This is to get into contact with my body again and to be an “anchor” to myself and my life. This anchor can also be the perception of my (constant) breathing. If I feel more “at home” in my body, it will be possible to be “out in the world” more frequently and for longer periods of time. These are all the thoughts I wanted to share with you, dear reader.

Dear Reader,

Fulna and I say THANK YOU! We wish you a happy and healthy year 2018. We will “read us” soon. Fulna is a healing fairytale you can order at Amazon.com for 8 Euro. Also you can read the first chapter here online. This also applies to FULNA PROFESORA where you can improve your English /Spanish. To watch the dragon video go to Youtube FULNA RENATE RENATE.

Dear Readers,

Learning English and Spanish with Fulna, the dragonlady. The book “Fulna profesora” matches the English and the Spanish Translation on a double-page. Many colorful pictures and  illustrations to be colored help to understand the story. At the end of the book there are exercises on text comprehension and vocabulary. “Fulna profesora” is the ideal (Christmas-) gift for adults and children from 9 years onwards. Here comes the link to “Fulna profesora”:

Learning English and Spanish with Fulna profesora

Dear Readers,

Mr Raffel is here.  The scene in the foto is taken from the book. Also, you can order Mr Raffel, Kai and Fulna as carefully handmade toys: Just write an email to info [at]wiedergeborene.de) for 12 and 15 Euro (dragon).

Renate Weber

To prevent Kai, the nine-armed octopus, from feeling left out-he is allowed to present himself in the picture below.

Now Fulna & Kai also exist as hand-made FIMO-toys (“made” in the oven and very sturdy) for 15 and 12 Euros each. You can order them if you hit my contact button or mail me at

info [at] wiedergeborene.de.    

Dear Readers,

This year again, Fulna flies to the international bookfair in Frankfurt. Hence I would like to share the catalogue with you. Fulna is on page 71 of the old catalogue (in English and German). The new catalogue will be available right at the beginning of the fair on October 25th.

Here comes the preview of the catalogue

 Also, I proudly present : Fulna live! The dragonlady gave me back my inner strengths and she can also encourage others!

Here comes the English Fulna Video

And here comes Fulna’s healing fairy tale

What is hsp? And who am I if I am a highly sensitive person? The term “highly sensitive person” does not fully explain these “traits of character”.   Since I can remember I have always felt like an “alien”, especially when I was part of a group. When the others discussed enthusiastically which party /disco to go to I only felt the urge to hide in my bed on such a Friday night.  If they somehow persuaded me to “come out of my cave” and go to that party there was no one happier than me when we finally sat in the bus home. Even in a crowded café I found it stressful to listen to my friend because the common noise distracted my attention. After seminars at the university my only urge was to jump in some swimming pool or to take a walk. It really got on my nerves whan my friends were still discussing something and didn’t even know where we would have cup of  coffee.  Except for the swimming pool and the shelter of my bed there seemed to be no place else where I could feel at ease. Had I at some point engaged in a deep conversation with someone our words and the feelings I had still echoed in my body long after the actual meeting. If I mentioned our talk to the other person later I realized that it didn’t have the same importance for him as it did for me. The same applied to friendships where I found the other person to be a “friendship priority” whereas s/he saw our friendship only as “an option among many friendships”.

It was only during my stay in a psychosomatic clinic that I met fellow pations who also needed a lot of “alone time”. One of them mentioned to me that my “weird behaviour” could be the consequence of being a hsp. I found out that I was neither antisocial nor depressed when I felt the urge to be alone. Sometimes my urge to be alone kind of isolated me and lead to a depression. Now I know that I just need more time to “process information” because my brain doesn’t seem to filter any information beforehand. Scientist estimate that 20 % of the world’s population is hsp.

When I took part in a seminar on HSP it  was the first time that I didn’t feel as a complete alien in a group. Instead I felt like I was coming home, like there had been a hidden island with more “aliens” like myself. Here, nobody wondered why I didn’t eat dinner with everybody after the seminar. Even when I took a nap under the blankets during a short break nobody was astonished. For the first time in my life I felt like I was actually “blending” instead of raising conflicts. And I was very happy to have found out that I wasn’t acting weird. Among its many disadvantages (high stresslevel, need to be alone at least once a day, less social participation) I can also see the benefits of being hsp.

I quickly sense the feelings of others and can act according to these “insights”. I have chosen a profession where I thereby can support pupils emotionally and intellectiually. I have accepted my strong phantasy as a gift. Hence I have written the healing fairy tale “Fulna” and my autobiographical healing novel RENATE-or the Journey to the Centre of the Self.

And meeting the other HSP it was a relief for me to understand that I am not “crazy” but that I just need other circumstances because my brain processes information differently. I am very grateful that I know now “what is happening inside of me” and I encourage everybody to check if s/he might be an hsp. After this is being “reconfirmed” changes are possible. I also hope that a certain kind of training enables me to “stay more inside of myself”. Greetings and good luck on your journey!

Renate Weber

Excerpt taken from ”Renate or the journey to the centre of the Self“

“Status Quo and perspective“

And now? Do I feel lonely? Have I succeeded in writing a book that can help me and others? I say yes and as I can only speak on my behalf it is up to everyone else to decide for him- or herself. If this novel has only encouraged one person to find his own path it has been worth all the struggle of writing it.

In some situations in my life I feel more lonely than ever before. That is because I  came to realize that- I can only  write a healing fairy tale for myself. What I can’t do is to write a healing fairy tale that will change my family.

The banner with the inscription “she had a happy childhood”, that was often held up to the outside world won’t “fly” anymore after my disclosure of the family’s “taboo”. But even during my “coming out” as victim of sexual abuse I still wanted to belong to that family. There was even the wishful thinking that –as I was constantly told during my childhood- I was wrong in my feelings and my perception. That I was simply “too sensitive” and “too easily hurt”.

Besides all the hurt there have been always beautiful moments-even after my stay in the psychosomatic clinic. However, all these good memories  along  with all the support I got from my family for my education won’t eliminate the insights I gained during therapy. One insights is, that in all those years, I kind of gobbled up the “breadcrums” of affection and attention without asking who was throwing them nor questioning their motives.

And here comes the main point I want to bring across with my autobiographical novel: This book is not a mere discussion of sexual abuse. It isn’t a “pure” fairy tale either nor is it “only an autobiography”. What I want to point out is: As important it was for me to go through the memories of sexual abuse in order to finally let go, my family doesn’t play the role in my life that it used to be. And here is what I learned: I learned that my true “Self” is something different from  fulfilling the expectations of others. And what is even more important: I learned that –regardless of which path I choose in life-I am a valuable human being –that needs to be respected by myself and by others.

When I look at my family, I can decide (each time) to leave the old behavior patterns of codependence, unfulfilled need and overstepping my boundaries behind to find my own life. On my way I encounter mates: friends for a few miles along the path, friends to talk to and eventually friends for a whole lifetime. Good luck on your journey! Have a safe trip!

Renate Weber“