Excerpt taken from ”Renate or the journey to the centre of the Self“
“Status Quo and perspective“
And now? Do I feel lonely? Have I succeeded in writing a book that can help me and others? I say yes and as I can only speak on my behalf it is up to everyone else to decide for him- or herself. If this novel has only encouraged one person to find his own path it has been worth all the struggle of writing it.
In some situations in my life I feel more lonely than ever before. That is because I came to realize that- I can only write a healing fairy tale for myself. What I can’t do is to write a healing fairy tale that will change my family.
The banner with the inscription “she had a happy childhood”, that was often held up to the outside world won’t “fly” anymore after my disclosure of the family’s “taboo”. But even during my “coming out” as victim of sexual abuse I still wanted to belong to that family. There was even the wishful thinking that –as I was constantly told during my childhood- I was wrong in my feelings and my perception. That I was simply “too sensitive” and “too easily hurt”.
Besides all the hurt there have been always beautiful moments-even after my stay in the psychosomatic clinic. However, all these good memories along with all the support I got from my family for my education won’t eliminate the insights I gained during therapy. One insights is, that in all those years, I kind of gobbled up the “breadcrums” of affection and attention without asking who was throwing them nor questioning their motives.
And here comes the main point I want to bring across with my autobiographical novel: This book is not a mere discussion of sexual abuse. It isn’t a “pure” fairy tale either nor is it “only an autobiography”. What I want to point out is: As important it was for me to go through the memories of sexual abuse in order to finally let go, my family doesn’t play the role in my life that it used to be. And here is what I learned: I learned that my true “Self” is something different from fulfilling the expectations of others. And what is even more important: I learned that –regardless of which path I choose in life-I am a valuable human being –that needs to be respected by myself and by others.
When I look at my family, I can decide (each time) to leave the old behavior patterns of codependence, unfulfilled need and overstepping my boundaries behind to find my own life. On my way I encounter mates: friends for a few miles along the path, friends to talk to and eventually friends for a whole lifetime. Good luck on your journey! Have a safe trip!
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