This was the “birth” of Fulna, the Dragon for my protection and Kai. Kai used to be a shadowy part. This part used to create a recurring nightmare for me:
While my inner parts were transforming I suddenly could give “a face” to the rage I had turned against myself for a very long time. The “anger-devil” was born and he helped me to understand that underneath my anger there lay a deep sadness that nobody had helped me emotionally after I had told my family about the sexual abuse.
I imagined how it would feel to be the person I really was. I recognized that the feelings of shame and guilt that had accompanied me my whole life were not mine. They had been “transferred” to me just as the devaluation that took place during the sexual abuse. “Feather Woman” meant a liberation for me and it was also the beginning of a positive view on my own womanhood.
But before I was to find my “true self”, I had to let go of everthing that had constrained my life energy for so long. That’s why I created a truly “magic” world: The Aenderland (land of Change). And even if there were monsters and great terrors I still was in complete control of this world. It stood in contrast to the actual world where I had often felt powerless and rejected. The healing fairy tale in my autobiography had the effect of an ointment: You could still make out the “scars of the past”. But I didn’t feel that they were so ugly I had to hide them away.
Despite of my healings fairy tales “Fulna” (the dragonlady hatches inside the office of a chief Editor) and “Renate -or the journey to the centre of the self” I had to admit, that I wasn’t fit for the challenges of every-day-life. Ich suffered from the reactions of my family who played down the consequences of the sexual abuse. I suffered from the rejection of some of my colleagues. Also I put too much energy in in handling my pupils. All this made me again seek “refuge” in the psychosomatic clinic. Unexpectedly grouptherapy led to many confrontations. Luckily I could gain insights from These conflicts and this helped me to deal better with the situations at home and at work. On my way I found valuable companions. I wrote About this process in my second book: Renate II: Companions. It will soon be available on the market (first in German).
I realized that my low self-esteem together with my constant feelings of shame and guilt had made me a target for others to let out their anger. Only if I could be “a good mother” to my inner parts and learn to love myself as I was the constant “attacks” from outside would stop.
Like the fawn Anuschka I did my “demarcation exercises” in order to deal with conflicts: What was my part in the conflict and what were the general problems of the others? I learned that by focussing on my energy spots people would make way for me instead of bumping into me as usual.
The more I was in touch with my inner parts, the more I could withdraw from unhealthy relationships. When I visted my family I stayed only for a few hours, so I could regain my inner balance afterwards. By saying goodbye to “sick” relationships I could find more and more fulfillment in my life together with satisfaction. My healing fairy tales, my friends, my pets and my stays in the bouddhist monastery helped me to “stay on my path”.
